Redux
by Arthur Eisner
Summary: This was my sentence, to keep making the same mistakes. But this wasn't the time for self-pity, it was all my mess and I had to clean it up somehow.
1. Open your eyes

They were all dead.  
Her final scream was an exclamation mark behind everything that led to this point.  
I released my hands from her neck, and it was over.

* * *

**Open your eyes**

* * *

I felt a soft coldness strike my legs. There was a darkness around me. I was in a peaceful, delirious state. My calm mind was slowly beginning to work - I was beginning to regain my consciousness. I now knew I was waking up. It felt like eternity since I felt so well rested, yet something strange bothered me. This cold feeling... It must have been ages since the last time... The most beautiful way to wake up.

But how...

Eyes still closed, I smelled my pillow. Strange scent... yet not unfamiliar. The pillow was unusually soft.

This was just like when...

Then, the horrible shock seized me. Oxygenated blood rushed through my neck. Unbearable pain seized my head. The next millisecond my mind was fully awake. My heart was pounding like mad. My body felt so weak, like after an exhausting run.

Then, I dared to open my eyes...

The horror that surrounded me cannot be expressed. I swear that was the last second of my life, I felt like I would have to die any moment because the unbearable truth would stress my body to its critical point. In a split second I quickly shook my head while closing my eyes and gasped for breath.

This always woke me up from a dream I did not want. But now - nothing.

Everything was clear. My head hurt so much, I was afraid I might die any second.

I knew what was happening, but still my greatest concern was my head.

There was no way to run from it.

I tried to calm down, ease my brain off the information clash a little, if that was even possible.

I was alive. I was here. Now. Somehow it came to me that everything was going to be all right.

"What's going... on."

I never was that good at acting and managing not to show my emotions - this could be catastrophic. But I had to be alright, I had to convince. My brain was doing millions of calculations right now. I breathed heavily and tried not to panic. The best choice was to call in sick at least for today. That was the best I could come up with right now. I had to convince. Strange. I was in this situation and the first thing that should have come into my mind and that actually was on my mind, was pushed back by the need to survive.

"...well, regular angel fights will house train you a little."

Joking around didn't make the situation better not one bit.

I had to survive.

When sensei I was living with at that time came to my room to check on me, I made the most convincing of fake stomachaches and strange feelings. Even using the shock I still was in to support my fake sickness. Sensei was concerned.

I got out of the bed, "There's something wrong."

Now that I spoke out loud my own voice surprised me a little, not that much - still sounded like a little girl.

"My... stomach hurts."

"Well, that's-" before he could finish I got up and walked to the toilet, I greeted his wife on my way.

"I'll be okay, this is nothing, I'm so ready for school..." I told them through the closed toilet door, yet I tried to do so in a very concern-arousing voice.

I almost didn't need to fake the sounds of throwing up. I guess I just reacted to the situation. I flushed the toilet and went to wash my hands and cleaned my face.

I didn't dare to look at my face.

All it happened almost automatically.

"I just threw up a little..." I explained. "Could I have some herbal tea?"

"Of course..." Sensei's wife told me.

I tried to look sick, but not faking. In any case, not a big need to act much, I was surely white as paper.

"You should stay home for the day, there aren't important tests anyway, I'd know that," sensei suggested I should stay home.

His wife took some dietary bread from the cupboard and gave it to me.

I realized that I forgot her name, and sensei was... I realized that I forgot both their names. I had to dodge naming them before they say something to each other, or find their names around.

"It's fine really," I wanted it to look only like minor stomach problems.

Sensei gave me the day off, because I was not one of those who would fake sickness and he knew that Shinji Ikari would never do such a thing. They believed me.

They left regularly earlier than me and were already set to go.

It was such a shame that I never really felt anything for these people. I bet they didn't either, I was forced on them and they took it as a responsibility. Until now I never really felt that it was weird that they didn't have any kids of their own.

But those thoughts were swept away the second they shut the door.

I felt my weakness come back. I've done it, I've survived, now all the horror came back. I couldn't really think about my situation when I had to survive before.

Now I was alone - it all came back.

I thought now I would break down, and I wanted to avoid it to happen before sensei and his wife. But nothing much happened after that. That was good.

"What... is..."

The day, the day, I went to the kitchen, noticing my legs were incredibly weak, and looked at the calendar sensei shifted every morning.

Now the full extent of the horror around me came back on again.

The 7th of September.

Monday.

Year 2011.

Nearly four years before the angels attacked again, nearly four years before my father calls for me.

I started to realize my situation more and more clearly. With every new confirmation of things the reality hurt me more and more.

I rushed to the bathroom, eager to see it. I was not afraid anymore, I wanted to see... myself. I stormed into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. A familiar face. Yeah, that was me. I couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't feel that young, but the mirror proved everything. I was back some four to five years, still in middle school. I was probably nine or ten. But still, inside that kid staring back at me, was me a personality almost five years older than that.

I was put back all that time to wake up in the body of my younger self.

I was back on the same path, and I knew where it led.


	2. Sorrowless

**Sorrowless**

* * *

I spent the whole day learning about my surroundings, trying hard to recall what happened before. Doing things like flashing through newspapers to refresh what's happening around world. Then ransacking my whole room, making sure I looked at everything, all that to get the feel just where I was with my memories, what I got or achieved.  
I couldn't help but grin when I was flipping through the news, thinking about the knowledge of the future that could be used in more ways than one. I could and definately would bet on sports then maybe convince my guardians to buy some stocks or shares of companies that were going to rule the markets in few years.

There were unlimited possibilites - I knew where the path led.

Dark thoughts resurfaced and I put my attention elsewhere.

I studied my school notes carefully. School started a week ago but the term has not really started yet, altough I'd miss today's lessons for sure, because it was today the real work at school began. Pah, basic multiplying techniques. I was just ten, still in the fourth grade. And even though I wasn't a genius or anything it looked, well, elementary. Something told me there were more pressing issues, but I had to take it in small doses. That was why I took things easy not really thinking about how to save the world. Or everything that was lost.

Not just yet.

In all that pressure on me I got only basics of what I needed to act cool in front of everyone, to not appear that I don't belong here. I took a piece of paper and jotted down everything I had to do and things I was not to forget. I thought I'd later sort these notes according to priority and so on. That was definately not a cool side of me. It was almost an instinct, I felt I was guided by my reasons to sort things out to win the war and save everyone, but first I needed to master the situation and survive. It almost sounded strange at this point. But hey, it was just yesterday it all happened, that everyone... Misato... Rei... Asuka...

"For real," I looked at the knife holder in the kitchen. "Still fucked up the same way."

If I'd break out in panic, I could do something to myself.

But I was alright somehow, maybe it didn't get to me yet, or part of me was lost in the future, maybe after all those fights I got used to it somehow, I really didn't know. I felt like a war veteran that got back home on a leave. I didn't break down at least not that day. But it was coming as sure as thunder, and my only hope was to hold it back and let it come in small waves, which could be handled easier. At a certain point I'd have to face my situation and that my personality, my will, my mind, had to be able to withstand it. There were things and people to be saved.

'Savior' wasn't the right word, but first that came to my mind.

Of course, I took some breaks during the day. It tickled in my gut when I watched TV and several times when having a snack or drinking a glass of water, I slowly let myself realize the situation. During those moments I suddenly went very weak, my heart started to beat faster and my hands started to shake and sweat.

But, I managed somehow.

At the verge of evening, when my guardians were about to come home, I also felt a little pride. I was pround of myself, that I handled the situation and minimized negative effects. I was finally doing something to change the outcome. Trying to change myself somehow.

Turn around, walk away, enjoy the last five years of humanity. That would have been the smart thing to do. I guess I wasn't that smart.

I tried to avoid sensei in the evening.

Not unusual though, because I was normally happier to do something alone in my room. I felt very unstable, and again I tried to occupy my attention with something, anything. Like sorting my things, which had the positive effect and also helped me learn about my situation. I felt lost. I was honestly afraid that maybe I'll wake up back in that blood bath with Asuka lying unmoving at my feet.

I just put away the pen with which I noted something down and stopped thinking about the new things, examining my room. I felt a fist in my throat, like if you want to throw up but can't. I started to breathe hard and tried to make the feeling go away. It was all just psychological load of course. But it couldn't be just magically willed away. The night will be terrible.

There were no tears. Sometimes a feeling was so clear, that my body couldn't respond to it.

One could say that I still couldn't believe what happened. Maybe some defensive reaction. I told myself to keep cool and focus on all the good things.

I ate quite a lot for dinner.

I needed the energy and made myself eat. Not hungry in the slightest, I ended up stuffing the food in me, without feeling it have any significant taste. When we fought the angels before, Misato always told me to eat when I needed extra energy, like in times of sickness or an angel attack. I knew I'd need all the help I could get.

"So how are you feeling?" sensei's wife pulled me from my dark thoughts. "I see you got back your appetite at the very least."

I felt cold. I felt lost. My hands were burning, "I feel better, thanks for worrying."

I saw sensei raise up his eyebrow, he closed his newspapers, "Hope this isn't some act... look Shinji, if you have some problems at school, I know I'm a teacher and not your father, but I, we can help you."

"I'm fine, no problems at all," I faked a smile.

At least at this point I could safely say the bullying didn't start just yet.

"Thanks for the food, I'm going to sleep," I bowed to them.

"Yes... I... Goodnight." Sensei told me.

The dark clouds that have been over the city the whole day started to pour rain down. Perpetual summer rain of course - it's still hot outside and heavy to breathe. There were so many things. I can't explain what it felt like to hear sensei and his wife talk to me again. I now understood them much more.

I didn't want to sleep, not just yet.

* * *

There was a smile on my face ever since I woke up.

Thousands of things went through my head, my mind analyzing vast amounts of situations, what I will say, how I will react. I was shaking, feeling like I was on my own. I kept reminding myself to act as if I'm ten years old. In the morning, my guardians left and I had about twenty minutes until I had to go out and head for the bus stop. I was going around the whole apartment, nervous and waiting for my time to come. I looked at the umbrella in the corner. It stopped raining and the sun was shinning again. No need for it today.

The clock moved.

It was time - I took the keys, but froze that very moment. What key opened the door? Which key was from the upper lock? And which one was from the front gate? I tried hard to recall everything. Then slowly put it all together. How would that look? Hesitating in front of sensei - having to try one key after another, because I just didn't remember anymore.

Just as I closed the gate in front of the house, I almost fell down tripping on a step. I couldn't remember it was there.

"Concentrate more, dammit."

I couldn't make any mistakes in the next hours.

The road I took wasn't unfamiliar, it wasn't that long since I went to Tokyo-3, but I had to remember the bus routes from that time.

I reached the stop and met one of my classmates, Kumi there. She never waited on this stop though - Shinji Ikari was standing here every morning after all.

I gulped, told myself to do the things I most feared.

"Hey there," I greeted her. "What happened? I didn't know we take the same bus."

She half-frowned, "Ikari-kun? Ah, it's just that," she looked around, nobody we knew, she was safe. "The bus broke down so I had to wait for another one."

"Figures," I said to myself.

Two claustrophobic minutes passed by.

"So," she started. "Why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"Heh, can't believe someone noticed the fact," I joked. "Some bad food knocked me out in the morning."

She didn't laugh. The bus arrived and we got on.

Smooth Shinji, real smooth.

"So anything interesting at school?" I pushed on, "Today's the deadline for choosing the clubs right?"

It was a fact I remembered only because it was connected to me playing the cello.

She made a difficult face, I could feel she was somehow uncomfortable with my presence.

"Nothing that interesting." She said.

I looked out the window, couldn't expect results the first day, I had time for this.

When we got off the bus and I saw our school and all the people going to the front gate... I don't know. I never really felt anything before, went there to be home as soon as possible and do nothing in my room. But now I felt relieved, I wasn't going there to be ready to jump in a deus ex machina that's more deus than machina and fight overpowered demigods to death. I could take it easy, play around a little. It was a nice feeling.

Kumi looked at me with a difficult expression.

"I know I'm smiling like an idiot now, but I really missed school," I said.

Kumi smiled a little herself, before walking ahead of me, "You're weird."

"I guess I am." I followed after.

We walked towards the main enterance. It was really happening. We even met more people from class Tomomi and Mori - a sorta friend of mine - we talked from time to time. When we entered the school, we came in the main hall. It was full of annoucment boards and school plans. The school was really big - a few buildings linked together, some older, some newer. The main reason there were so many clubs. The latest I think was the new gym complex. The school had so many students, it wasn't strange to have seven or eight classes in a grade. Although I rememeber this year's fourth grade students were only divided into six classes. I had to make sure to not lose my classmates, I didn't really remember the path to our class. They were talking about a show that was on TV yesterday. I had no idea what to say.

We continued to make our way to the second floor. I almost forgot how exactly big and complicated the school was. I hoped the teacher won't send me somewhere, I'd take an hour to find anything here.

And finally we reached it, I looked at the door, that's right, 4.B.

I faintly recalled where I sat in the class. It would be really embarassing to forget. I tried to visualize it at home and when I came in, I remembered it from where everyone else sat.

Good, I didn't need any more complications.

Feeling cocky I started a chat with one of our girls, Nami, sitting behind me, "So what did you do yesterday, Nami-chan?"

"Ugh, don't talk to me Ikari," she snapped right back. "Go back in your little world you crybaby twerp."

"Drinking vinegar, no bet," I turned back smiling at the vocabulary.

We were ten years old after all, I had to remember to hold off the swearing.

It was so strange seeing all those people... again. There was Nami whom I talked to. She was a nice girl, although I always got the feeling she just did things to fall into a group. I thought she could easily keep up with any of the popular girls at our school, but she was a little shy for it. Not really shy to me, of course. And she'll turn just right in some parts in a couple of years.

Then, Yoshiko. I talked to her a few times and she always pretended to understand me oh so well. Back then I had a feeling I could talk about anything with her. Did she like me? Nah. I'm the old Shinji Ikari for now. She liked instrumental music so it looked like we had some common interest, but I just played it, not liked it.

If I was to pick between Kumi or Yoshiko, I'd have a hard time. Kumi had the same friendly act as Yoshiko and when nobody saw sometimes even talked to me. And despite how it looked like this morning we were together a lot, not because she sought my presence but we lived in the same area and went in the bus to and from school. But in my case one could say we talked a lot.

Akari, the class representative was quiet and responsible, the person who is typically the class rep. I remebered another fiery one and had the urge to touch my ear. And well as a running joke my life was, when I got to know her better - she wasn't quiet at all. She was always scolding me then had some comment to make, but she took the serious things seriously.

Rin was well, great in every aspect. In one second she was almost unnoticed, the other she could shine. Me, we didn't have much interaction.

Tomomi was more known to Mori than to me, because they lived in the same part of the city, just like me and Kumi. He had better relationship skills though and wasn't transfered here like me, so they were childhood friends. Mori always said to me, when nobody else listened to him, that the great thing about Tomomi was that you didn't have to watch everything you said. He said she accepted quite a lot and wouldn't have a sour face whenever you made a girl unfriendly remark. Although more than often she returned the favor, so there were a lot of spicy chats between her and him.

Suzi was the last I should have my sights on before. Although Suzi didn't join the class everytime, which took my interest, unlike me she was always welcome and when there was some game or something she was always invited as well. She was the most similar to me, she talked about simple things - it was hard to know how she feels.

Well, I knew this wasn't harem anime, and I was just ten, but I let the thought surface for a while. Then snuffed it.

Soon, the bell sounded.

I took out my biology books and readied a piece of paper singed by my legal guardian, saying that I had stomach problems...

I gave it to the teacher and came back to my seat.

The memories... everything was back now. All these people, were here, now. And beside other things I had another shot at interacting with them. It was a great feeling. Still, I had to be careful not to make or say something that might be suspicious. It could easily happen to me. I knew it was impossible to avert those situations. It was unavoidable. For now I succeeded in making it seem like everything was alright. But I stylizied myself a little, to be more friendly and cheerful I guess. I felt like I knew everything. The full extent of that hit me only now. I already knew everything that would be taught the coming five years of middle school. I could see the connections between facts even that first day. It felt childlish to learn multiplication again, but at least my grades would upgrade a little. It gave me an ability to argument in a much more spohisticated way with the teachers.

Yet... computer studies saw me make the first mistake.

It was a reflexive thing, I wrote down the date with the wrong year, which was 2015.

I had to strike it through so that no one could recognize. I realized that my writing changed too, it looked quite different. I had to work that out somehow. And then another thing - my signature. I had a different now. Puny details, but I had to check it all when I got home.

There was no rest. Not for a minute.

After computer studies, which we had in a special class, we returned back to our home class for the rest of the day.

I tried to act reserved and calm, with a little hint of unknown friendship and cheerfulness.

I guess that one of the first things that I fantazied about when I got back was how I'd act differently and how girls would find me attractive because of that. The kind of... experienced person.

No need to impersonate Cassanova, all I wanted to be was just a little more known. Just one or two sings from the girls... that I mattered to them.

And maybe, just maybe that one of them... will like me.

Things went my way that day, because our class teacher held a class lesson after the scheduled classes were over. Here goes. Among some technical details and information we had to annnouce what clubs we wanted to take. There were many, sports, philosophy, sience, art, music and so on.

"Ikari-kun," the teacher said my name, awaiting answer.

I held it off like I did before.

"Say what about the music club? Chance to learn to play some instruments?"

The teacher knew us, knew what we could excel at, but this was my second shot. I already knew how to play the cello.

"No thanks," I made a cocky grin. "the sports club, if you please."

I was just trying to show off. I wanted to show everyone that I was not influenced by what the teacher thought.

I looked at some of the boys with expression showing something like they had to live with it.

It wasn't that bad.

The teacher shook his head but didn't press the issue, then he took care of some more administrative details before we were finally released home.

Instead of going straight home I joined the usual group of people who I just could call my friends and went home with them. Kumi, the girl who was sitting right in front of my desk joined us together with Tomomi, another girl from my class. But soon, Tomomi and Mori went the other way, because they had to take different bus at a different bus stop. We said bye and I was left with Kumi.

The bus arrived as scheduled, we got on.

"So," Kumi began awkwardly. "Why the sports club Ikari-kun? You don't look like someone who runs around with a ball all day."

I shrugged, "Playing instrumental music won't change the world much."

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Besides, I feel left out in the class," this could work out. "I need something to make some friends and improve my overall condition at the same time."

"You talk like an old man," she smiled. "But I can see what you mean."

And here goes another one.

"And we'll be in the same club," I said. "The other reason I did it."

"Wha?!" She went wide-eyed.

"Just kidding," I laughed and she hit me in my shoulder.

"Really, what's wrong with you today..."

I said bye to her and got off the bus, then continued home.

When I got home, my head was overloaded. There was so much to think about. All those new experiences left almost no space to think about all the terrible things that will happen... that happened just two days ago. Sooner or later they'll be here. I wanted to bury myself into this new world to make them appear at the latest possible date. The later, the better.

I started to go around my room, thinking hard. I couldn't forget, of course. The need to change the future was there.

"Here I am. It's payback time. Come and get me."

Crappy movie lines went through my head.

It was the chance I got. The chance everyone got. The surreal imposibility of the slip in time continuum that probably made all this happen. The chance that the future could be better. We had to derail from the dead end somehow. If I just worked hard enough. If I just learned enough. Ran fast enough. Did the things that I most feared. Everything would turn out right, the world would be saved, and my life would finally amount to something.

And this wasn't just me trying to put on an act when the curtain was already down like before.

"For real," I made a fist. "This will be worth a little suffering."

And here I was again, waging war that wasn't mine for reasons I didn't fully understand.


	3. Checklist and some remodeling

**Checklist and some remodeling**

* * *

On Wednesday I tried to spend some time doing a checklist of what to do and not to forget. And yeah you guessed it, my father made the top ten, but anyway it has been two days and I was far from able to blend in. I somehow managed it, but I had to get used to the positions of the light switches my old/new home to name one example. Or when I bought bus tickets, I always gave the clerk much more money than needed to. The prices have really gone up in a few years haven't they, it had much to do with the angels coming back. Resources got more scarce than they are now. All the stuff about recession that came along second impact sensei talked about before now made perfect sense, and I didn't roll my eyes when he brought it up anymore. Anyway I had to get the monthly bus pass and I made a note to ask for the student's discount form.

It was overwhelming. When riding the bus, I noticed the face of the city, the fun park on the other side of the river was not there yet, there were going to be new bus lines and routes.

And also... I wanted to go back to Tokyo-3 to take a look at things. My first thought was some sort of childlish plan to attack NERV or placing some secret stashes loaded with equipment I could use there or bombs. It was funny, only things a ten year old kid could thought up came to me. Or maybe I really felt homesick for that city. Was that normal? I really didn't know.

When I looked at my admittedly terrible-looking face in the evening, I couldn't help to smile.

Sure, that was my reddish crybaby face in the mirror. Even more childlish than I could remember, but no zits yet at least. One less morning activity for me, a pleasant loss.

I went to sleep later than usual.

That evening I finally cried. Crybaby or not, that was a huge relief for me, I finally could let all the horrors of third impact go with tears. I just let it all overwhelm me and didn't fight it. They were all dead, I've seen it, I was the direct cause of it. That gaping emptiness, nowhere to go, nothing to hold on to. I was so scared, on my own... even now. I don't even remember when I fell asleep, exhausted from the fear, insecurity of being in a completely different world and all the helplessness. But I swore at that moment that I won't let it happen again. That it was so better to die than let everyone else die. My checklist seemed more like a vendetta plan at this point, I put a paper beside my bed so whenever something hit me when asleep I got up and noted it down so I wouldn't forget. It helped me calm down.

My checklist and notes were my only safe-point.

The redux... it happened to me.

And one thing was clear as a day - for all the good things that will come my way - for all the possibilities. There will always be other things.

There's only so much one person can do. There will be things I won't be able to influence...

My throat parched by the heavy thinking I went to get something to drink.

Every coin has two sides to itself, I was happy to see my favorite mug still intact - I'd break it one day or not.

"If I take good care of it, I don't have to break it, right? I just need to watch it when I dry it."

Which was when I broke it that one time.

It seemed almost too easy.

* * *

"You didn't do your part of the paper yet?!"

"I'll do it when I have time, geez you sound like my mom."

_Wham._

On Thursday at school I noticed Ryosuke and Jun. They didn't know it yet, but they were going to be a couple in three years. It was so strange seeing the two of them, just as friends.

About the lessons, we already had a stable timetable, every day six lessons. Everyone would of course have liked to have less lessons on Friday, but that was just the way it was. Probably the best was Tuesday, when we had the least of the hard subjects, although that was a matter of taste.

I remember sitting alone at the back of the class through the whole school.

"Hey," I started. "I asked the teacher and he said it was fine..."

Mori looked at my bag than at me.

"Hm? What now?" He looked at me from one of his manga books he always read.

I had to do the things I most feared, "I'm sitting here starting today."

Pulling a chair I sat down beside him.

"No problem Ikari," he grinned. "At least I'll have someone to bully."

Well maybe that wasn't one of my best plans.

"Still better than sitting right before her," I pointed at Nami who pouted.

"Now what's that supposed to mean!"

She didn't know it yet, but she'll do a terrible thing to me in the future. Flip my chair right from under me and land me in hospital for a week. Then she won't even say she's sorry. I never told who it was of course, but it got out somehow and she thought it was me and we never talked to each other again. Now she was being so cheerful as she always was, I instantly forgot all about it. Besides, that was in the future and I could prevent it.

In the afternoon, I finally got the form for the bus pass.

It was great, because now I had student discounts again, a thing I have long ago forgotten, as I was not eligible to have any at Tokyo-3. It was the city policy or something, for protecting its inhabitants.

One thing the city could safely just drop the act on.

It was time, I got up my phone and dialed paramedics told them one of my guardians collapsed at home and needed to be checked on. It was what I remembered when looking at a calendar once, that sensei's wife will die of a heart attack today. I remembered standing above her motionless body, frozen, unable to do anything. That will happen in a few minutes to be dead precise. When I came home she wasn't there, but when sensei came back he said that when paramedics showed up she was all right, but they decided to check her out just to be sure.

She had a heart attack at that time and because of them being there - was saved eventually.

Sensei came to me and hugged me, "How did you know, Shinji?"

I felt a satisfaction I never knew existed. I saved a life. It was the sure, easy knowledge that I had done the right thing and done it well.

"Just a hunch."

It really was true.

I could do whatever I wanted to.

* * *

The third time I participated in the sports club, it finally clicked in my head.

The matches were far more rough than expected, ten year old kids and they took the whole football/soccer thing far too seriously. No curveballs, no foot skills to outplay the opponent, no precisions shots, they played with elbows, shirt pulling, tripping and theatre act. The whistle sounded once again. Too many players went to the bench because of some minor injuries, so it just happened to be my turn now. And there it was. It clicked. I felt like if I was inside the entry plug, ready to roll. Something filled in my veins and I started to grin a little and was in the field almost the whole match.

Three whistle blows. I fell down in three stages, to the knees, on the ass, on the back. My lungs burned and muscles ached. It was finished, I was out of breath and realized that I didn't add anything to the score or to the game whatsoever, but it was there at last. That damned jackpot roulette feeling of being in a battle.

A week since the redux I could somehow emulate that feel.

Kumi who was on the opposing team offered me a hand after she made sure that nobody sees, "Now that was awful. Maybe the worst I'd ever seen."

I took the hand and she pulled me up easily. She was sweating a little, but unlike me she already caught her breath.

"Almost looked like you played for the first time," she joked.

I displayed three fingers to her, the third time actually.

"In that case, it wasn't all that bad."

"Don't worry I'll get better," I was breathing heavily, "it isn't that hard if you actually try."

The club captain blew the whistle again, it meant the break time was over and we had to do some muscle training of our own choice. That basically meant everyone just did light stretching of course. But while I had a couple of years to spare, I couldn't just fool around half-assing everything. Ignoring Kumi, who started to stretch her legs, I went for the ground again. There's an exercise called an iso-push up. You lift your body like you would in an ordinary push-up, then you hold that position. And while I couldn't do more than ten normal push-ups at most, I could easily do an iso-push up. Well, easily, it's a lot harder than it sounds. You can feel your arms and gut trembling and eventually you lose your sense of time. And after you've counted to sixty, you'll beg to be doing ordinary push-ups, play more football, anything but this. Your arms aren't designed to be pillars. Muscles and joints are there to flex and bend. Flex and bend. Sounds nice just thinking about it. But you can't think about it, or you'll feel even worse.

Misato once told me that muscle isn't really all that important to pilot an Eva. Whether a persons grip is thirty kilos or seventy, as soon as they get inside Eva, they'll have tons of force in the palm of their hands. What an Eva pilot really needs is endurance and control - the ability to hold one position without twitching a muscle. Which always helped to synchronize better. And iso push-up is just a thing for that.

Sweat was streaming into my eyes. My shadow was crisp and clear under the scorching sun. The wind that buffeted the field reeked of salt and left a briny layer of slime on my skin.

Our team captain wasn't there anymore, I imagined him sipping green tea in air-conditioned office. Like my father when we fought the angels.

Cocksucker.

My father wasn't just a cocksucker, he was a commander too. Like angels themselves he was a being from heavens above. A being perched on a gilded throne, higher than me, higher than Asuka, higher than Misato, higher than Dr. Bitch Akagi. He was a god of NERV and all who trained, worked, slept, and shat within its walls. So high he seemed distant and unreal.

My father never drank liquor. He was early to bed, early to rise, always brushing his teeth after every meal, never skipping a morning shave of that damned face - goddamned messiah. He went to battle facing death with his chin held high, calm as you please. Hell, all he had to do was sit back in the command centre drawing up his schemes. One order from him and us mortals on the front line would move like pawns across a chessboard to our grisly fates. I'd like to see the bastard here, beside me, we'd have an iso push-up contest and I'd kick his ass even though I'm just ten years old.

I realized it was a good thing I came back so deep into the past. If I came to a part where I already possessed an Eva now, I'd see to it a stray bullet put him on the KIA list.

Pain and fatigue racked my body. Blood pumped slow as lead.

But I started it, I had to do this as long as I could to see what I'm capable off.

Misato taught me that even when you're in excruciating pain - especially when you're in pain - the best thing to do was to find some sort of distraction, something else to focus on other than the burning in your muscles and the sweat streaking down your forehead.

Careful not to move my head, I looked around out of the corner of one eye.

Everyone around the field was watching me, the sole idiot who was doing something differently than everyone else. Mostly just guys pointing their little fingers at me and laughing.

In the middle of the testosterone display, the lone girl stuck out like a sore pinky. She was a tiny little thing standing off by herself a short distance from the rest of the people watching me. Seeing her there beside the rest of the people from my school, something seemed out of whack. She wasn't Japanese and she was a redhead. I instantly thought of Asuka, but this girl didn't look like her. Her hair was the color of rusted steel, faded to a dull red. Asuka conjured up images of blood, fire, deeds of valor. Not her. If it weren't for our school gym clothes she was wearing, she'd have looked like some kid who'd come to our school on a trip and gotten herself lost. The others were fanned out around this girl who barely came up to their chests like awed, medieval peasants gawking at nobility. It must have been the transfer student everyone was talking about.

This girl was going to the same school as me and I never noticed. I couldn't take my eyes off the line of her hair, which was short reaching only her shoulders. There was a graceful balance to her features. You might have even called her beautiful. She had a thin nose, a sharp chin. Her neck was long and white. Her chest was completely flat, not that it bothered me, we were ten years old after all. I guess she was around this age. Beside everyone else she looked like a little puppy.

Then our eyes met.

I looked away immediately, but it was already too late. She started walking toward me. She moved with purpose, one foot planted firmly on the ground before the other moved - a relentless, unstoppable force. But her steps were small, the net result being harried, flustered gait. I'm not sure I'd ever seen anyone walk quite like that before.

I had a strange feeling in my gut.

She stopped.

The muscles in my arms started to tremble. Then, purposefully, she walked away. For some reason she made a ninety degree turn and headed for my club captain who was standing in a shade. The club captain cast a doubtful glance toward her. She stood in silence, club captain was first to speak.

"Yes?"

"I'd like to join the training."

Captain shook his head, "It's just some after stretch, don't look at what that idiot is doing."

She didn't say anything, but didn't move either.

"Fine, whatever." He said.

Doing an about-face, she slipped among the rows of people staring at her. She chose a spot beside me and started her iso push-up. I could feel the heat coming off her body through the chilly air between us.

I didn't move. She didn't move.

The sun hung high in the sky, showering its rays over us, slowly roasting our skin. A drop of sweat formed in my armpit, then traced its way slowly to the ground. Sweat had started to bead on her skin too.

Her lips made the subtlest of movements. A low voice only I could hear.

"Do I have something on my face?"

"What?"

"You've been staring at me for a while now."

"Me? No."

"I thought maybe there was a laser bead on my forehead."

"Sorry. There wasn't - it's nothing."

"Oh. All right."

There's something vital I'm forgetting. Was there a girl like that back then? It hadn't played out the way I remembered it. Is it because I'm in the sports club?

"By the way."

"Huh?"

"Lange nicht gesehen, Shinji."

I fell to the ground.


	4. Beautiful dynamite

**Beautiful dynamite**

* * *

"Lange nicht gesehen, Shinji."

The shadows rushed me, bandaged one-eyed faces hungry for revenge. They knew my weak points and closed in for the kill. The field turned into a vortex of yellow tang.

I fell to the ground.

Asuka Langley Soryu.

Things she said before were playing in my head, things like, _"Are you an idiot? Sweat it too much, you'll turn into a feedhead - end up losing your mind before they even get a chance to blow your brains out!"_

I stared blankly at the aluminium piping of a cabinet inside the infirmary.

When I was a kid the war against angels hasn't even started yet, but I still played my part. After second impact, instead of Cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers, we fought aliens using toy guns that fired spring-loaded plastic bullets. They stung a little when they hit, but that was all. Even up close they barely hurt. I always played the hero, taking the hit for the team. I'd spring out courageously into the line of fire, absorbing one bullet after another. I did a little jump with each successive hit, performing an impromptu interpretive dance. I was really good at it. Inspired by the hero's death, his comrades would launch a bold counterattack. With his noble sacrifice, he'd ensured humanity salvation. Victory would be declared, and the kids who'd been the bad guys would come back to the human side and everyone would celebrate. There was no game like it.

Pretending to be a hero slain in battle was one thing. Dying a hero in a real war was another. As I got older, I understood the difference, and I knew I didn't wanna die. Not even in a dream. And instead of sacrificing myself for everyone, I sacrificed everyone for myself.

Now the last human I killed stood there in the infirmary before me and punched me into my face - again.

For real, I deserved that.

"Take that you dipshit!" And she punched me again, and I let her.

It took me a while to realize.

I was just playing around.

I never wanted to fight the angels to save humanity again. I'd seen my fill of that before. I was lying to myself, I'd just take the first chance to run like always. I could search my soul till my body fell to dust around it and I'd never find the desire to do great things like saving the human race. What I found instead was a wire puzzle you couldn't solve no matter how many times you tried. Something buried under a pile of puzzle pieces that didn't fit.

It pissed me off.

I was weak before. I couldn't even get myself to look Asuka in the eye before. I thought the redux would change me, forge me into something that worked. I may have fooled myself into believing I'd find the last piece of the puzzle I needed to complete Shinji Ikari back here in the past. But I was wrong. The last piece, it was stuck in the future along with her.

I never wanted to be a hero, loved by millions. Not for a minute. If I could convince the few friends I had that I was someone who could do something in this world, who could leave a mark, no matter how small, that would be enough.

And look where that got me.

I now possessed a handful of skills that weren't good for shit in a real battle.

It was like one of those childish fantasies where you got back in past and did everything differently. But we are who we are, a person can't change just because he's back in past. The thing with sensei's wife was just a lucky break, so people wouldn't say otherwise. And aside from that I just pretended it, fantasized about it. Made checklist and that was all.

I was still weak, and the world was still fucked.

This was ridiculous. It was time to cash in the bills. What I kept saying and doing - making that checklist for. It was time to stop running, turn around and do something. I pulled back my shoulders and imagined I was standing before a firing squad. It was time to finally do the things I _really_ feared.

I punched the cabinet beside me.

She stopped.

"Maybe the humanity won't have to lose," I said holding my bleeding nose.

It looked almost funny, her small frame holding me by my shirt throwing weak punches into my face.

"I'm sorry for what I did before," I said.

I pulled her practically to me in a rough embrace.

"I got your back now," I said. "I know, I've let you down... It's okay, I won't hurt you again."

"So..." Asuka's expression was that of a child about to cry. "You got back too..."

Instead of pushing away, she let me hold her for a moment, clinging to me. She'd been so sure that she was going to die. Fresh out of coma, the only thing I was capable of was to betray her.

The moment didn't last very long...

"Get your stinking hands off me you pervert!"

Asuka started screaming, kicking her heels into my shins and twisting from side to side, but I continued to hold her trying to comfort her. No... that's a lie. I have to face it, I tried to comfort myself. I was literally clinging to hope. I didn't want to die and I had to save the world. A contradiction. I felt that I could turn it all around and make it happen with her. Asuka was screaming, and her fingernails dug into my hands, the soft skin between my fingers. She dug into the skin on the back of my hands until I got her around the wrists and twisted her arms up and away from her sides.

This is the life I got. Somehow this break always happened between us. This power struggle. No matter how great you think you are, at some point you'll find yourself here.

The moment I let her go free, I stepped back.

Her hands in fists, Asuka leaned toward me, her hair hanging in her face. Her gym clothes twisted tight around her body, the neckline torn on one side so her shoulder showed, bare. She kicked off her shoes so now she was barefoot. Her eyes behind the dark snarls of her hair, her eyes were reflecting the lights.

She looked wicked. A wicked witch. A crazy woman. It was still there, the thing she fell in coma for. We came back in time, but we took our minds with everything that was there. There are things you simply can't choose - how you feel.

And through her teeth, she said, "Be careful what you're trying to do, it won't be like before, I can defend myself. I can."

And I finger-combed my hair. I straightened and tucked the front of my shirt smooth.

"Stop being ridiculous," I told her. "You saved my life. I owed you a thanks and an apology. And I... missed you."

And Asuka said nothing.

Tough love.

And then, as if snapping out of it, she looked at me with those menacing eyes, "If you ever touch me like that without my permission again... I'll kill you."

Maybe this is a love story, maybe not.

It depends on how much I can believe myself.

And holding my nose, I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I didn't know that already."

After that she treated my nose and stuffed a paper handkerchief into it like if nothing happened between us. A little bipolar, I know. She just put her shoes on, adjusted her clothes and started treating me.

"Look, Shinji, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be, I deserved that, now we're even."

A long moment passed between us. Time grew wider.

Then she cleared her throat.

"So what was that," she said suddenly angry. "Little-Shinji showing off for the girls?"

"Why are you here?"

"Why? I thought I was the only one who got back..." she made a difficult face. "And I couldn't watch that thing happen to my mom a second time, so I asked around third branch about you, made myself transfer here."

"For what?"

You could see oxygenated hemoglobin transfer into her face.

She turned around, "To see if you got back too, see if you have a plan. Although I didn't realize Shinji Ikari was a wimp and now he's ten years old wimp."

Then she laughed, "Wanting an advice from a wimpy little weasel who is just standing here, letting a girl that's smaller than him punch in his face and is at the same time a direct cause of the end of the world was... well. A little stupid of me."

"It was an iso push-up," I made a fist. "Supposedly it should help us synchronize better."

She turned back to me and made a face like she didn't believe her ears.

What if you won't have a choice? What if you will have to relive your execution again? What if everyone melts just like before? At the end of the day, every man has to wipe his own ass. There's no one to make your decision for you, either. And whatever situation you're in that's just another factor in your decision. Which isn't to say, everybody gets the same range of choices as everybody else. If there's one guy with an ace in the hole, there's sure to be another who's been dealt a handful of shit. Sometimes you run into a dead end. But you walked each step of the road that led you there on your own. Even when you face an enemy you have the choice to meet your death with dignity or go kicking and screaming into the hereafter.

I started, "It's a fucked up world, with fucked up rules. So fuck it."

I offered her my hand.

"Let's see how much we can take with us. So what if a world hands us a pile of shit? We'll comb through it for the corn. We'll uncover the plans of that cocksucker. We'll dodge angel projectiles by hairs breadth. We'll slaughter them with a single blow. If Asuka Langley Soryu was a goddess on the battlefield, I'll watch and learn until I can match her kill for kill."

She took my hand in a firm handshake, saying, "We have all the time in the world and nothing better to do. Who knows? Maybe something will change if I team up with invincible Shinji. Or maybe I'll find a way to take your father and piss in his eyes."

I grinned, "That'd be just fine by me. Partners?"

She smiled, "Long time no see, partner."

* * *

There was a fucking frenzy in my head.

Asuka was back.

I couldn't calm down, but at the same time I just couldn't stop smiling either.

My guardians were already asleep and I just finished my late-night room cleanup. Everything was clean and I took a shower to calm down and to get me to bed. Somehow, I don't know why I looked at my bookcase longer. I looked at the wood it was made of. My mind then went to a break I guess, it's that normal state when your mind goes absent for a while and usually someone standing around notices you looking blankly at an object. I just looked at the wooden bookcase. There were so many things that I didn't do right. Not just angels. If there were things I fucked up before, too many were connected to her too. Things she ended up as she is now. I had to make up everything to her. Repair it somehow.

She was as she was, because of me.

It felt terrible.

It's hard to explain, but the closest it came to was emptiness. No point to hold on to. It was as if... nothing had changed...

I wasn't weak anymore, or afraid. I took Shinji Ikari by the hair and looked at that asshole. I needed to do that. I was looking for answers, to explain this to myself.

Not HOW, but WHY.

And I realized that together with her, I could believe in myself to defeat these negative consequences. To defeat my father. To defeat SEELE. To defeat angels. To help her come in terms with her own past somehow.

I could do it with her. I mean who else could do it but her? I was a failure in many areas, but with her I felt invincible. Before I was afraid of how to handle things, the emptiness, being detached... now I wasn't alone in this anymore. There was no way I wasn't able to do it now.

It had been so long since I'd seen a good omen, I'd forgotten what they looked like.

"I'll make it all up to her, everything, pay my debts, tomorrow if I have to."

We could jump right to defeating all of our enemies now, but no, first I'll make it up to her. I'll make it better from the inside. And after we're both ready to face the apocalypse, we will. And we will kick ass.

Anyway, I went to sleep mentally exhausted, but happy.

* * *

The next day I slept in, it was about ten when I woke up.

And since it was still great outside, I got out my phone and called Asuka.

"Mhm."

"Hey, Asuka you awake?"

"Of course I am, what do you want, it's Saturday."

I smiled, she just woke up it was clear as a day, "Do you have a bike? It's still nice out, we could take it out for a few swings."

"I live in a hotel, idiot..."

"That's okay," I chuckled to myself. "I have two bikes, one is a prototype - Olcran, the other is the first one developed solely for biking purposes - Hitoki Swift. And it's red."

She stopped, I could imagine her red angry face. "Are you pulling my nose, Ikari?"

"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist, let's meet in front of the school in an hour, bye."

Back now it was a very new Hitoki Swift. It was a very expensive and great bike, which my guardians bought me before summer. Me being me, I never rode it as often as the bike deserved it. Now, I was dying to go out. I'd be out with her, after all. After the breakfast which sensei's wife made for me and for which I thanked her maybe too much I put on my biking clothes and went out.

Holding the two bikes in front of school I waited a while before Asuka decided to grant me with her presence.

When she showed up in those clothes with that kiddy pink bike helmet of hers, I had to hold my laugh hard. She puffed her cheeks and ran up to me then got me in a sleeper hold, holding my head the way you hold a baby or a rugby ball.

"Still not beaten enough huh, _Shinji-kun_?"

Her grip was weak, I easily got out.

"That's what you've really came to Japan didn't you? Your master plan was just to beat me."

"O-Okay, fine," I put up my hands in defense. "It's just that."

"What?!"

I put my palm on the top of her head, then measured her height to my chest.

"Maybe you'll have to ride Olcran after all."

"Bullshit," she said going for the newer bike. "Look, easy as a slap."

Somehow she got on and rode a few meters then fell to the ground loudly. I even put the seat as low as possible.

Without a word she raised up and pointed a finger at me, "Don't say anything."

I put up my hands shaking my head. All right.

She went for the older bike and took it up, "So are we going or not?"

"Sure, I was just humbly waiting for you to finish."

I got on the bike and we dashed away, heading for my favorite route, downtown and near the riverbanks. I noticed the great control I had over the bike right away. In the future I biked many times more than I did at this time, I learned tricks and became a fast and experienced rider. Upon the first contact with the pedals of the Swift, I felt the power and experience wasn't gone. We rode through the city at violent speeds, maybe just to squeeze maximum out of it. Maybe it was out of pure happiness that we dashed at high speeds through the zones of the old city, overtaking each other along the way, flying through numerous tight squeezes and also doing some of the tricks I knew. There were other bikers of our age here and there, all of them heavily inferior to us, not only in terms of the bike model. We were really better than them and they couldn't match our skills.

Asuka was smiling, I smiled too, there were things we kept on discovering that added to our supremacy.

When we came back Asuka was first to speak, "Why couldn't you be like this before?"

"Like what?"

She shrugged, "Like this, I don't know, more open to things."

"Dunno," I sipped from my bottle.

"I mean," she searched for words. "We can't even _do anything_ like this."

I thought for a while.

"I don't understand."

She smiled, untying her kiddy helmet, "Still as dense as ever I see, well I guess some things never change."

Something was off.

"Hey! That's my bike, you can't just take it like that."

She stuck out her tongue, "I'm borrowing it, so little Shinji doesn't have to have the work with it next week."

"So we're riding again?"

"Of course we are, idiot, we're partners in crime remember? See ya~"

Seeing her waving at me like that... something was definitely off.

Then she grinned.

It was the grin of a winner.

That made two of us.

* * *

_AN: Thanks for feedback, I really appreciate it, if people enjoy this story - that's a reason to keep it up right there._


	5. Priority

**Priority**

* * *

According to Misato a Chinese emperor once said, _'If a cat can catch mice, it's a good cat.'_

Asuka Langley Soryu was a very good cat. While we both killed our share and were duly rewarded for it, she did with sheer skill and training she accumulated for years while in the third European branch of NERV. I, on the other hand, was a mangy alley cat padding listlessly through the battlefield, all ready to be skinned, gutted and made into a tennis racquet. All my winnings a sheer luck or my Eva going berserk. But we both got results, so the brass made sure we both stayed neatly groomed and didn't give a damn about the details - our training distilled to a bunch of some sync tests and funny shooting range experiences.

I drank tea from my favorite mug eating breakfast prepared by Sensei's wife, who was supposed to be dead around this point.

If my guess was right maybe our cause wasn't necessarily hopeless. A window of opportunity might present itself in the future. The odds of that happening might be 0.1 percent, or even 0.01 percent, but if I could improve my combat skills even the slightest bit - if that window were to open even a crack - we'd find a way to force it open wide. If we could train to jump every hurdle this little track-meet of death threw at us, maybe someday we'll wake up in a world with a tomorrow.

And Asuka was that wild card for me, for us. The opening, the crack. I felt a little bad about thinking of her like that, or that she had to relive it all again, but it wasn't like she was just a bystander in that endless kill show either. I'll try to care for her psychological side and try to put her attention elsewhere if worse would come. And there really wasn't much of a choice either, I didn't have the time to waste building muscle that wasn't all that important in Eva. That time was better spent programming my brain for battle.

I stood in the shade in front of her hotel, people around me grumbling complaints about the heat.

After a while she appeared in front of the entrance, jogging clothes, retying her shoelaces, carrying a bag too big for her even if she didn't come back.

I came over to her waving.

"Hey there smartass," she threw the bag at me. "Catch this."

I fell to the ground, it was too heavy to be anything normal.

"What's this?"

"You asked what my daily training routine was without Eva and that's part of it," Asuka said flexing her legs. "Now let's get going, I'm not waiting for you if you're too slow."

Jogging she turned a corner already.

"I just hope it's not a gun," I threw the bag on my back and ran after her.

We stopped in the clearing in the middle of the park near riverbanks I told her about. I fell down, when you pull a plastic wrap off something in the microwave and the steam sunburns your fingers in an instant, my breath was that hot.

"Seriously- what- is- this-"

My lungs small as a plastic bag of peanuts I opened the bag, she snatched it from me and started to take something that looked like weights out. Those sewn into a cover you pullover your ankles and wrists.

Waves of heat shimmered above her head. Even after a half-hour run she looked as though she could run a triathlon and come in first without breaking a sweat.

She grinned, "Any blisters?"

"No."

"Getting cold feet?"

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but I'm not planning on running if that's what you mean."

"For a crybaby squealer who made the world end just a couple of days ago, you're shaping up just fine."

"You attempting at some kind of joke, Asuka?"

"Nothing funny about the end of the world, Shinji."

Her eyes were 20mm rifle barrels firing volleys at me from the bunkers set deep in the lines of her white face.

My old friends regret and guilt were back.

I cooked under the glaring sun, not saying anything.

"Now, now, I didn't mean it like that. Take a seat Shinji." She ran her hand through her hair and patted the ground.

She did and I knew it.

I sat down as a gust of ocean wind blew between us. It smelled of blood.

Asuka took a deep breath and started, "You ever hear the expression kiri-obeoru?"

"What?" I asked startled.

"It's an old samurai saying that means, 'Strike down your enemy and learn.'"

I shook my head, "Doesn't sound familiar."

"Tsukahara, Bokuden, Itou, Miyamoto Musashi - all famous samurai in their day. We're talking five hundred years ago, now."

"I think I read a comic about Musashi once."

"Damn kids these days. Wouldn't know Bokuden from Batman." Asuka sighed in exasperation.

There I was, pure-blooded Japanese, and she knew more about my country's history than I did. Well, she went to college already after all.

"Samurai were warriors who earned their living fighting, just like you and me. How many do you think the samurai I just named killed in their lifetimes?"

"I'm not sure." I scratched my head. "If their names are still around after five hundred years, maybe... ten or twenty?"

"Not even close." She smiled. "The records from back then are sketchy, but the number is somewhere between three and five hundred. Each. They didn't have guns. They didn't have bombs. Every single man they killed they cut down in hand-to-hand combat."

"How'd they do it?"

"Send one man to great beyond each week, then do the same for ten years, you'll have your five hundred. That's why they're known as master swordsmen. They didn't just kill once and call it a day. They kept going. And they got better."

I thought for a while, "Sounds like a videogame. The more you kill the stronger you get."

She puffed her cheeks, "Except their opponents weren't training dummies or little digital aliens. These were living, breathing men they slaughtered. Like cattle. Men with swords. Men fighting for their lives, same as them. If they wanted to live, they had to catch their enemy off-guard, lay traps."

She looked at me, "And sometimes run away with their tail between their legs."

Hah. Hah.

"Learning what would get you killed and how to get your enemy killed - the only way to know a thing like that is to do it. Some kid who's been taught how to swing a sword in a dojo didn't stand a chance against a man who's been tested in battle. They knew it, and they kept doing it. That's how they piled up hundreds of corpses. One swing at a time."

"Kiri-obeoru."

"That's right."

"So why did they even bother training us in those simulators before?"

"Right to the point, brains like that - you're too smart to be Shinji Ikari."

I laughed, "Hah. Hah. Yeah that was a fake laugh you big Jerk."

"Japan is crawling with kids born post second impact, so wrap them in Evangelions and ship them to the front lines. Lemons into lemonade. Least I think that's what NERV, your father was really trying to do."

Look what happened to the lemons.

"That's not a fake laugh anymore, what's so funny?"

"Huh?" A smirk had crept across my face while she was talking and I didn't even notice.

I was thinking about my first battle, when I was guilt tricked into piloting and then when the Eva tripped on its own and went berserk, when despair and fear streamed down my face. Shinji Ikari was one of the unlucky bastards. For more than once. Then the time when I ran my luck hadn't been what you'd call good either. But for some reason the world kept giving me another chance, challenging me to find a way to survive. Not by luck this time, but on my own. If I could suppress the urge to run, I'd have nearly four years before the angels even appear. And what could be better than that? Almost by default, I'd keep learning, one swing at a time. What took those swordsmen ten years, I could do in four.

Asuka stood and gave my backside a slap with her hand, bringing my train of thought to a screeching halt. "Not much point in worrying about piloting now, we can just train your body a little."

"I'm fine Asuka, I was just thinking-"

She looked away, I pressed on. "This isn't just about muscles, it's about control, concentration. About skill of training in between the battles itself, we can't just fool around for years. If we prepare even now, in whatever way possible our odds of surviving should keep going up and up. Right?"

"Well, if you want to overanalyze-"

"It can't hurt to get in the habit of training now, can it?"

"You don't give up easily, do you?"

"Nope."

"You're like a different version of Shinji Ikari I knew, maybe it's another effect of this phenomena."

"Different how?"

"Like before, Shinji, only three kinds of people piloting Eva: junkies so strung out they're hardly alive, people who singed up because they were ordered to, and people who were walking along took a wrong step off a bridge somewhere and just landed in it."

"I'm guessing you had me pegged for the last group."

"I did."

"So which group are you in Asuka?"

She shrugged, "Put these on and try to walk straight ahead."

"Uh, you mean like right now?"

She took a rifle out of her bag, "Don't worry I won't use live rounds. Now suit up!"

"A-all right! Sure."

The human body is a funny machine. When you want to move something - say, your arm - the brain actually sends two signals at the same time: "More power!" and "Less power!" the operating system that runs the body automatically holds some power back to avoid overexerting and tearing itself apart. Not all machines have that built-in safety feature. You can point a car to a wall, slam the accelerator to the floor, and the car will crush itself against the wall until the engine is destroyed or runs out of gas.

Martial arts use every scrap of strength the body has at its disposal. In martial arts training, you punch and shout at the same time. Your "Shout louder!" command helps to override the "Less power!" command. With practice, you can throttle the amount of power your body holds back. In essence, you're learing to channel the body's power to destroy itself.

A pilot and his Eva work the same way. Just like the human body has a mechanism to hold power back, Eva has a system to keep the power exertion in balance. With tons of force in the grip, an Eva could easily crush a rifle barrel, not to mention its own bones. To prevent accidents like that from happening, Eva is designed to automatically limit the force exerted, and even actively counteract inertia to properly balance the amount of force delivered. The techs call this system the auto-balancer. The auto-balancer slows the Eva pilot's actions by a fraction of a second. It's an interval of time so minute that most people wouldn't even notice it. But on the battlefield, that interval could spell the difference between life and death. In thirteen full battles of three evangelion units each, only one pilot might have the misfortune of encountering a problem with the auto-balancer, and if the auto-balancer decides to hiccup right when you've got an angel bearing down on you, it's all over. It's a slight chance, but no one wants to be the unlucky guy who draws the short straw. That is why, at the start of every battle, people who actually have some experience like Asuka switch the auto-balancer off. They never taught me this in training.

She said it's like trying walk with weights around your whole body - I had to learn to walk again.

Asuka said I had to be able to move without thinking.

It took me seven tries to walk in straight line.

* * *

We didn't have our last lesson on Friday. All those who ate in school cafeteria rushed downstairs. I used to eat there with Mori a grade back, but not now. There were always problems with free tables, and not everyone had the patience and nerve to push away others or argue with those who held places for their friends who never came. The daily schedule didn't change much from what I remember before the redux. If I strayed really far from what happened before, I could force something different to happen, but if I didn't do anything it would play out the same. Sometimes it felt like deja-vu, other times like if people were given scripts and ad-libbing was frowned upon. A reason I started to go the cafeteria again really. It was 1136 and I was eating alone.

Asuka was sitting three rows from me, her back to me as she ate. For no particular reason, I got used to watching her from this same angle each day. We agreed not to meet much in school so things wouldn't turn out differently, crippling our ability to know what the future holds. And so our saviour ate alone. No one tried to talk to her, and the seats around her were always conspicuously empty.

For all her prowess in battle Asuka Langley Soryu ate like a child. She licked the soup from the corners of her mouth and drew pictures in her food with the tips of her chopsticks. Of course chopsticks weren't anything new to her. Which impressed people around her. Although she wasn't an expert. At 1143 she dropped a bean on plate. It rolled, picking up speed, bouncing first to her tray, and then to the table. The bean flew through the air with a clockwise spin, careening toward the floor. And with lightning reflexes Asuka extended her hand, plucked the bean out of the air and crammed it into her mouth. All in under 0.11 seconds. If she'd lived back in the Old West, I imagine she'd have outdrawn Billy the Kid. If she'd been samurai, she could have read every flash of Kojiro Sasaki's katana. Even when she was eating Asuka Langley Soryu was Asuka Langley Soryu.

Today, she was trying to eat an umeboshi pickled plum. She must have confused it for an ordinary piece of dried fruit. After two or three attempts to pick it up with her chopsticks, she put the whole thing in her mouth.

"Down the hatch." I said to myself.

Asuka doubled over as though she'd taken a 57mm round right in the gut. Her back twitched. Her rust-colored hair looked like it was about to stand on end. But she didn't cough it back up. Tough as nails. She had swallowed the whole thing, pit and all. Asuka gulped down a glass of water with a vengeance.

Seeing her sitting alone over there...

"What's wrong with this food? It tastes like paper."

It pissed me off, I realized. I said I'd help her come in terms with her own past and I had priorities now. Fight those monsters. Save humanity. Save Rei. Save Misato. Save Asuka. Save everybody. Accept my punishment. I needed to rebel against myself. It was the opposite of following your bliss. I needed to do what I most feared.

I got up.

And sat down in front of her, "A little sour and salty isn't it? That's umeboshi."

"Shinji! This is-"

"Fine, we have a war to fight in front of ourselves, the least I can do is warn you about certain foods in the future."

She looked down, her rust-colored hair covered her eyes, "Okay..."

It was a pretty cute gesture, at least I liked to imagine so.

* * *

I already made a checklist of what to do and how to do it my first days after the redux. But I kept updating it all the while. I could make some extra money with the knowledge I had. The only problem was that I was ten, and couldn't really place bets. When I asked a certain college student about it she said to just falsify it. The legal system allowed teenage children to bet on sports if their parents approved it. I was ten, not sixteen. So I did the only thing I could do - stole sensei's ID details and arranged the payments through a post order on my name. I didn't really have any hobbies so I decided to do it with all my pocket money. All-National Games were nearly here, so I'd make some serious cash soon. I wrote down in my notes everything I could remember and tried to watch more sports programs on TV, so I'd refresh my memory a little. Everything I had to do was to keep a track of all my bets.

Most of the money I took and bet some more. The only thing was, that there was always a limit on the bets, but with several ones with the maximum on the unexpected results, I made enough. I had to resist betting on scores I didn't remember, but I always managed to listen to some voice of reason inside of me.

I guess that part of the reason I did it were my guardians, they weren't that rich and I ate up a great piece of the pie chart, so if they ever needed money, I'd give them. I really wanted to make them feel, that whenever they'd really want something like a new TV, I'd at least chip in. And I still got my pocket money - I felt sorry for that so I actually put the money they gave me each week away and hid it in my place. It wasn't about the value of the bills, THEY gave them to me. I'll never pay with those bills. Never.

* * *

0600 Wake up.  
0610 Eat breakfast.  
0630 Practice basic body movement.  
0800 Visualize training during school.  
1130 Eat lunch with Asuka.  
1400 Train with emphasis on correcting past mistakes.  
1730 Eat dinner.  
1750 Fool outside with Asuka.  
2000 Checklist.  
2200 Go to bed.

This was more or less how I spent my day.


End file.
